Hello everyone, and welcome to DJ Sara’s Funky Wonder Emporium.
Ok, so I’m not a DJ, and this post isn’t that funky, but hey! I’m here. I know you must be missing me, oh humble viewers of America and everywhere else. Not to worry, I have not been ignoring you, and I did not forget that I have a page that I post on with life updates and whatnot. The thing is, my landlords must not be paying the internet bill, because my WiFi stopped working a few days ago. Now that I finally have a day off, I am taking the time to write a new post. I’m writing this from home, so I have to save this whole thing in a word document and then post it whenever I get the chance to make a trip to Starbucks to steal their internet connection while enjoying a mocha cookie crumble frappuccino, which makes coffee taste like a fucking dessert. MMMM.
Before I get started on today’s subject, I figured I’d give a quick update on what’s been happening in my life. I’ve basically just been working a lot. Opening week for the zip line was a major fail. We have only had two full days of operations since opening day, which was a week and a half ago… Every day, there’s a new issue. Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. We’ve had to shut down or get pushed behind schedule almost every day because of things like not having maintenance clearance, the brake tests not passing, the springbox on the retrieval system breaking, and several wind shutdowns. While the weather in town has been hot and calm, the weather at the top of the mountain where we operate our zip line has been cold and windy. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to set up a zip line at the top of a mountain where it’s always windy, and on top of that make it so the system has to shut down when there’s too much wind. Nice design, Heavenly. As long as there’s a good view, it doesn’t have to be functional.
Every time we have to shut down, which has been almost every day so far, we end up just practicing rescues. I’m cool with it, because I’m still there getting hours, I’ve had lots of chances to improve my rescue technique, and I get a break from dealing with guests. I just wish we could operate normally every once in awhile. I want to be able to do the job that I moved halfway across the country and spent a month training for. We really need to get our shit together. This past Wednesday we had to shut down before we even opened to the public because the latches on the gates at top deck weren’t working and had to be replaced. Like always, we just went to the bottom to practice rescues while maintenance tried to take care of it. The next day, Thursday, when I was getting ready for work, I got a call from my manager. I already had my work clothes on, I was eating breakfast, and was just about to make my sandwich for lunch. He told me they still hadn’t solved the gate issue, so I got an unexpected day off. I told one of my coworkers, Oliver, because he thought that our bosses had the wrong phone number and email for him. He was already fully awake, so he invited me over to hang out for the day. We chilled for awhile then went outside and messed around with his dad’s dirt bike. This was my first time ever riding one, by the way. Even though we only went up and down the street a couple times, I still had a lot of fun with it. Then we went to the beach, laid out, chilled, listened to music, went swimming, and met this group of girls that offered us some Captain. I wanted to say yes, but I had to drive. Oliver declined because of his diet and having to quit alcohol. Even if we could’ve said yes, it was a little sketchy because they must have been about 14 years old. I was doing the same stuff at their age, but now that I’m on the other end of the spectrum, it just seems kind of weird. Anyway, we went back to Oliver’s after that, ate some lunch, then went upstairs and watched Ellen and Blades of Glory. He fell asleep and I was getting tired, because of the… well, I’m just gonna say it was the sun. There definitely weren’t any leafy substances, glass work, or lighters involved. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
The only other thing I have to update about is the many animals in my life (the rest of my updates will probably be mentioned within the context of my actual story for today). One of them being my first time actually physically seeing a bear. My downstairs neighbor told me we have a friendly neighborhood bear that wanders into the area from time to time. One day, when I was sitting next to the window at my midget table, I noticed that the upstairs light had come on. The one that automatically turns on when there’s movement. I’m the only person that lives upstairs here, and my landlords aren’t the type of people to just pop up at my door without notice, so it seemed a little strange. I looked out, feeling slightly confused. There, right next to me, staring at me through the window was the bear. Having never seen one before, I freaked out a little bit. I know that I was inside and he was outside, but my knowledge that you have to just freeze when you see a bear kicked in automatically. My eyes got wider than they’ve probably ever been, but my body remained stiff while I watched him go about his business. He really is friendly. He looked at me for about half a second, sniffed around for a little bit, and then left before I could even fully interpret what was going on. I texted my neighbor to let her know there was a bear outside our home, which is when she explained that the person who used to live here occasionally left their garbage sitting outside. I, however, am not that dumb, because in an area like this, animals being around is inevitable. I don’t need them scattering trash everywhere. I also experienced my first mouse. Well, actually, first and second. Within the same week. I must have a hole in my wall somewhere. Luckily, I have not had to catch any because my cats are excellent hunters. The first one must have entered my home when I was not here, because it wasn’t until I was eating at my midget table one morning that I noticed a mouse’s severed ass right under me where I had just digested half my meal. It takes a lot to ruin my appetite, so after I picked it up with a kleenex and flushed it, I resumed eating. When I was done I noticed another mouse chunk laying about 5 feet away from where his booty was. It was pretty gross. A few days later, I awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of my cats beating the shit out of a live mouse. They were biting it, chasing it, and socking it back and forth. The sight was horrifying and I felt bad for the little fella, but I did not want to have to catch that thing, so I let them resume while laying down and pretending this wasn’t happening right in front of me. By the time I uncovered my ears and looked up, they were eating the mouse. The sound of them chewing on his crunchy bones still haunts me. I rushed to pick that thing up and flush it before trying to get back to sleep. Surprisingly, I had no nightmares that night. I guess maybe I did, but maybe they were so terrifying that I pushed the memory as far deep into my mind as possible, making me forget they ever happened. This is what I get for living in an old motel on the top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. As far as the cats go, things are going good. Hunter S Thomcat is still a little asshole who doesn’t listen to me, but he’s as cuddly and cute as ever. Moon is well behaved and she actually let me pet her for more than two seconds yesterday! She was rolling on her back and letting me rub her belly and everything! I had no idea she had the ability to purr, but holy shit was it fucking cute and liberating. 🙂
And now for the actual story that I came here to share in the first place. It’s about bettering myself. As I have mentioned before, after my suicide attempt, my whole life changed. My perspective, the way I act, how positive I am, and all of the life lessons that have helped me improve and become the person I am today. The part of me that I have been struggling with the most is getting past my awkwardness. It seems like the more time that goes on, the more serious I get. I’ve been noticing lately that I am uptight, nervous around people all the time, and I say stupid shit that makes me want to punch myself. I have always struggled with this, but instead of the issue being naturally resolved from experience like most of my flaws have, I’m starting to think I have to go into battle to fix it. I understand that I’m an introvert and that’s just the way I am, which is fine. I’m proud of it. I don’t get off on being around people all the time. I like being by myself to think, reflect, and recharge. I think everyone should do this every once in awhile. How are you going to know yourself if you’re constantly surrounded by other voices? I don’t get uncomfortable with silence – it can be really enjoyable sometimes. I don’t constantly talk just to fill the silence with shit that doesn’t even matter. I prefer to sit back, listen, reserve, and give my input when I feel it is necessary and could benefit the conversation. I don’t say much, but when I do, it tends to be something worthwhile. But just because I am an introvert does not mean I have to be awkward in social situations. There is such a thing as introverts who are fun at parties and completely fine around people. It is the fact that they value alone time that makes them an introvert. I want to stay the way that I am, but work on loosening up around people when I’m not sitting at home reading with my cats.
I believe the reason I’m like this is because I’m not confident. I have come up with some steps that will make me more comfortable in my skin so I can be more laid back and comfortable around people. I will be keeping a daily journal to track my progress and make sure I take care of everything that I need to. I will not be posting it on here, partly because I have no internet at home, partly because that’s not why I started a blog, and partly because I know that if there is the off chance that anyone actually reads this, that is not something that would be fun to read about every day. I might post every once in awhile to update you on my progress if I see any, but that’s it. I’ll keep my posts on here interesting. If I do decide to post my daily updates online, it will be in a different blog, and I will share the link on here in case anyone is interested in reading it for whatever reason. So without further adieu, here is a list of all the things I will be working on and writing about every day to track my progress:
1. Stop doubting yourself.
Whenever I go to parties or other social gatherings where I don’t know anyone, I have this freakout explosion in my head. I just know that I’m going to be sitting in the corner by myself, standing around the food table, and eventually being approached by someone who feels bad for me. This person always means well, but they usually just make matters worse. Here is a message for all of you outgoing people out there: QUIET PEOPLE HATE IT WHEN YOU POINT OUT HOW QUIET THEY ARE. Like, more than anything in the fucking world. For one thing, the way you say it makes us feel like it is a bad thing and that we should change it and that it is within our control. You don’t see me going around to loud people pointing out how much they talk. It’s just the way they are. And guess what? Being quiet is just the way WE are. Plus, what the fuck do you say to something like that? What’s the point of being like, “You’re really quiet.”? Like seriously, what the fuck do you want me to say? “Thank you for noticing”? It just makes us feel awkward because there’s no good way to answer that, and it makes us feel like shit about ourselves because most of us wish we could change it. This never fails. Every single fucking time I’m around new people, that whole scenario happens. I’d like to avoid this happening in the future, so instead of going to a party with the thought that this situation is going to happen again and therefore backing down from going altogether, I need to tell myself positive things. “Maybe I’ll make a new friend tonight.” Or, if a goal seems too unrealistic at the time, maybe just focus on getting to know the few people there that you DO know. Either way, the attitude has got to change.
2. Start feeling good about yourself.
I have always had little to no self esteem. This is the part that I find the hardest to overcome because I have never known any other way, and I have always thought that I’m a shitty person. My problem when I’m around people is that I get nervous that I will say the wrong thing and that people won’t like me, which causes me to say the wrong things and therefore people don’t like me. I usually just sit back, listen instead of talk, and only speak up occasionally. When I do speak up, I sit there and think about what I’m going to say before I say it, debating in my head whether or not I should even let it out of my thoughts. I need to stop making such a big deal out of every day conversations. I need to forget my worries and just be there in the moment, enjoying the company of everyone who’s around. One of the biggest problems with my confidence is the fact that I have a disgusting amount of acne. When I talk to people, I look them in the eyes. 9 times out of 10, they end up losing focus of my eyes and using them to scan my face and pick out all my imperfections. Sometimes it seems like it’s just a nervous habit, but if I see their eyes sitting on the spot where I have my newest mountain of a pimple, obviously they are just distracted. This happens ALL. THE. TIME. It makes me feel so fucking self conscious. My face isn’t even that bad anymore, though. It has cleared up a lot in the last couple years. My problem now is my body acne. I have severe nodular acne on my neck, chest, shoulders, and full back. I have tried every wash there is to try, with no success. Now that I’m 19 years old and am still suffering from this imperfection after 8 years of trying anything, I decided it was time to see a dermatologist. I put it off for the longest time because I’ve never really had good insurance, but fortunately I found a place closeby with reasonable prices. Without insurance, it costs me about $55 a visit. I was expecting $100 at the very least, so I am happy with this. I’m probably going to be visiting the office about once a month, so there is a pretty good amount of money involved, but at this point I’m willing to do ANYTHING to get rid of my problem that I’ve been dealing with since middle school. I have only gone once so far, and my next appointment is coming up in about a week. She prescribed me four different things: A sodium sulfacetamide & sulfur face wash, two different kinds of pills, and a cream to rub on my skin after washing it. She wanted to put me on Accutane right away, but I am not THAT desperate yet… If you don’t know anything about it, look it up. It is a hard-fucking-core acne medication. It works, but it comes with every side effect you can think of, and then some. She gave me a brochure to look over so I can think about it; I finally read it a few days ago, and by the time I finished, I was laughing hysterically with how ridiculous it sounded. I hope I never have to resort to that… The prescriptions she gave me have not eliminated my acne, but they have made it less severe. I took a before picture before starting treatment, but I don’t plan on posting it until it’s all the way cleared up. I’m hoping I’ll be able to post an after picture some day. At this point I’m worried it will be something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don’t care if I end up with scars because as soon as my back is clear I’m gonna jump right on the opportunity to get a full back tattoo. And then I’ll be able to wear bathing suits and sleeveless shirts and dresses in public without worrying about everyone staring at me!
3. Get comfortable with the way you speak.
I don’t remember when, where, or from whom I heard this, but awhile ago someone shared an idea with me. It might have been posted online, I don’t remember. I wish I could give this person proper credit for coming up with the idea, but the chances of them seeing this is very slim. They said that the way they got more comfortable in their own skin was by talking to themselves. It might sound crazy, but it makes total sense to me. You sit in front of a mirror every day, and you talk to yourself. Talk about your day, share things about yourself and who you are, just say whatever comes to your mind. No doubt, the first time you do it, it will feel very very VERY strange. It might discourage you to do it again in the future. But the person who posted this idea said that they did this every day for a month or two, and eventually, they were able to find a technique that worked for them. It helped them work out their kinks and get more comfortable speaking. If you’re not confident, one of your biggest problems is being unsure of yourself. What better way to resolve that than physically watching yourself and the way you speak so you can kind of see yourself from someone else’s point of view? I think doing this will help me a lot, no matter how weird it may feel at first. This is one of the only times I’ve been glad that I live alone, because if someone walked in on me or heard me doing this, they might think I belong in the cuckoo house. I PROMISE I’M NOT CRAZY. SANE PEOPLE TALK TO MIRRORS TOO YA KNOW.
4. Be healthy.
When I was living in Colorado, I lived an extremely active life. I worked full time, went to school full time, went snowboarding as much as I possibly could, did yoga, went out with friends, and… I worked out every single day. No matter how much activity I had done that day, I would make time to go to the gym. I loved working out and being active, it made me feel like my life had purpose and I was accomplishing something. Working out is great for stress relief, health, sanity, and of course feeling and looking your best. I want to get back into that habit. It’s tough to do it every day when you don’t have a gym membership, but I think it will help keeping a daily journal because that will be a constant reminder that I need to do something. We have to weigh people before they ride the zip line so we can set their chair up in a way that they ride at an efficient speed, are able to brake when they get to the bottom, and most of all that they make it to the bottom platform. I was the person weighing the guests yesterday. In my down time, I decided to weigh myself, just out of curiosity. When I moved here, I weighed 130 pounds. Yesterday I weighed 140. Now, a long time ago, I was a bit of a chunker. I weighed almost 160 pounds and I had rolls that were impossible to hide. Because of a kidney infection that caused me to never have an appetite, and when I did try to eat I couldn’t hold it down, I lost about 40 pounds within a couple months. I was down to 120 at one point. Once I finally got antibiotics and got better, I got to a steady weight of 130. My weight always fluctuates, and I kept between 125 and 130 most of the time. It wasn’t until I moved here that I got back up to 140. 140 isn’t a lot, but that’s what I started at when I began to gain weight in the first place, so I’m worried I’m going to repeat the weight gain I experienced in the past. I am determined to fix this and get back to a healthy weight. I have gained weight from moving here for several reasons: I don’t have friends here to go out with. I can’t afford a gym membership. I no longer have snowboarding, which is the main thing that kept me active. I was hoping to sub hiking for snowboarding, but I don’t get out as much as I’d like to because I’m always so tired and sore when I get home from work at night. Because I’m so tired and sore from work, I like to spend my days off relaxing so I can gather up some much needed energy. My diet since I’ve been here has also been terrible. I did a lot of healthy cooking back in Colorado, but I don’t really have that option now for the simple fact that I don’t have a kitchen. I have a mini fridge that can’t fit all of the vegetables I love to cook with. The freezer in it is only big enough to hold an ice tray, so I can’t buy meat unless I want to make the whole thing that night. And then I have to eat it all that night because I don’t have room in my fridge for leftovers. My “pantry” is the stand that my TV sits on. I can only fit so much in there. I also don’t have proper cooking equipment. I have a toaster oven, a hot plate, and a coffee maker. That’s it. No oven. Luckily, I got a crock pot with the apartment, which I plan on using as much as possible. I just don’t have the money to be buying ingredients for crock pot recipes, or really anything healthy. Hopefully this changes soon.
I do this every once in awhile, but I want to start doing it on a regular basis. At least once a day. I want to incorporate this into my daily life for several reasons. It will help me relax, get rid of every day stresses, and help me find myself. I’m not counting on this to change me, but I know that if I put my energy into something like this, it will benefit me no matter what. When I first started noticing my lack of confidence lately, I thought about how some cultures do vision seeking quests. I would love to do something like that, but with all the responsibilities I have, there is no way I’d be able to get away from work for a few days. Maybe I’ll spend my time off between seasonal jobs doing this. For now, I figured I’d follow the footsteps of my idol, Buddha. He was able to find himself, learn about the world, and understand happiness through the use of moderation and meditation. I need to look within myself to find out who I really am. This is also a very important step of my process.
6. Take responsibility for your actions.
In case you couldn’t tell by now, I classify my life as before suicide and after suicide, just because of how different each chapter has been because of the event. Before my suicide attempt, one of my biggest problems that eventually led me to betray my friends was not being able to take responsibility for my actions. I was always trying to blame someone else for whatever happened, and I’d do anything I could to rationalize my wrongdoings so I could convince myself that I was a good person and it was all a misunderstanding. One of my friends that I betrayed was not shy with telling me when she noticed I needed to work on something. This was one of the biggies. It took me a long time to see that she was right. Post suicide attempt, not much has changed. I have improved on realizing when I do something wrong and trying to make up for it if possible, but I still make excuses and try to rationalize things. This doesn’t mean that I should blame myself and make myself feel like shit when I do something wrong, I just need to realize that people make mistakes and move on while using that mistake as a learning experience.
I have always loved dancing. I took dance lessons for a few years and quickly improved within a short time. It is one of the few things I am actually good at. While it is a good way to get a hobby and do something that makes me feel talented, that’s not why I want to do it. I want to do it so I can let loose every once in awhile. Using your body to interpret your feelings helps you feel free. What makes me so uptight is that I’m always stiff, not showing any emotions and not expressing how I feel through body language. I think that if I took time out of every day to bust some dance moves, I will feel free, loose, and more comfortable with the way I use my body. I would love to take lessons for dancing with a partner because I’ve only done it once, it was fun, and it’s a good way to get out of your comfort zone. Some day when I’m making enough money I’ll do it, but for now, my broke ass is just going to play some tunes from my computer and prance around my apartment while my cats watch in fear.
8. No more complaining.
It is natural to sit around with your coworkers at the end of the day and complain about work. Especially us since there seems to be something new going wrong every single day. There is lots to complain about, and that is what we usually do. I want to veer away from that. There’s one guy I know from orientation that’s really good at this. He is part of the ropes course crew. They had to be trained by someone from across the country for 5 days, much like we had Mike the Aussie-English-Canadian fly in for rescue training. Luckily, Mike was really cool and great to work with. Unfortunately for the ropes crew, their trainer was a total dickwad. I heard EVERYONE, even people I didn’t know, complaining about how much of an ass he was to them the whole time. Some people even left halfway through training because they couldn’t take it. This guy, though, never complained. He rode with us in a truck back when we had to drive up the mountain to get to work, and someone from our crew asked for his opinion on his dickwad trainer. Instead of erupting and complaining about him like everyone else had, he explained in a calm manner that he simply didn’t agree with his teaching technique. For all we know, he could be the nicest guy in the world outside of work. He was only there for 5 days, and you can’t possibly learn everything about that person within that time frame. Especially since he was instructing a LOT of people; I doubt anyone took the time to talk to him about his life, his dreams, his ambitions. Everyone is fighting a battle that people don’t know about. Maybe his wife is fighting breast cancer. Maybe he has a sociopath for a son. Maybe he was just diagnosed with AIDS. You just never know what someone is dealing with in their life. The ropes course worker pointed all of this out, making sure to not say anything bad about him because it’s not good to do that, no matter what the situation. I admire him for that and I hope I will be able to do the same from now on.
9. Daily update.
This is not something I need to work on, this is just a section at the end of my daily journal simply to report how I feel at that point. I hope to see an improving pattern as time goes on. Hopefully I will be able to look back and see what went wrong, and then work on it the next day. I might not keep to this exact schedule, it could change depending on how things go with this process, this is just a layout for the beginning of my journey to keep me on track.
And for anyone who’s interested, I’ve gathered a few pictures of my varying sizes. I never kept any fat pictures, I always went back to my friend’s facebook if I needed them, but I just checked and found out she deleted them. So this is the best I could find from my collection. The first picture is from my prom, I remember this date as when I was the biggest I had ever gotten. And yes, that is me in the tux because fuck dresses.
The next best thing I could find from when I was big is the picture below. You’ll notice that I used to actually have boobs. It seems like every time I lose weight, I only lose it in my boobs. I went from a D cup to an A cup…. so here it is: TIG OL BITTIES
And yes, my friend does have two different colored eyes 🙂 it’s pretty kickass.
The next picture is one of me when I was at my smallest ever weight, 120 pounds. It was taken on my 18th birthday, so this is also the first picture ever taken of me as an adult:
I WAS SO TINY.
The next picture was taken a few days ago at work. I was deck chief and I felt official as fuck so I made my coworker take a dramatic looking picture of me. So here is what I look like now, pretty average:
So there you have it. Now that I’m older and I can’t eat whatever I want without it affecting my body, I want nothing more than to be a kid again. Fuck you time.
Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 My landlord told me today that they will be getting a new satellite for the internet soon, so I will be back to posting by then hopefully!